I'm suspended in a dream

of delusions,

that kills me and tortures my soul

oh what would I give

to escape these situations?

tear down my desire of love

or maybe burn my flesh whole.  

___________________________

Can someone help me out of this misery? Because all I see is black. I want is - to be free and relaxed. But all I see is torture, all I feel is pain. I've never wanted this life, it's a curse disguised as blessing. People say "be grateful you're alive and have another day to live" . How do I tell them I never wish to see another daylight? All I wish is my soul to escape this lifeless body. All I want is to be free of this grieving reality.

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"Rana sa!"

My laugh echoed through the hall, I was running down the royal corridor playfully. My pink lehenga flowed with the movement of my figure, the sound of my payals filling through the empty corridor.

It was day, the sun was blazing above in the sky. A castle-like structure stood in silence, built around a large open courtyard at its centre, Sunlight poured down through the empty middle. Square corridors ran along all four sides, connecting the corners of the building like a maze of shadowed walkways.

The halls were dim and cool, their dark stone walls contrasting with the warm light streaming in from the courtyard. Arched doorways and towering pillars lined the passages, while the distant echo of bangles and anklets gave the palace an ancient, mysterious atmosphere.

It felt like home, home where I belong.

Playfulness in my energy was evident as I hid behind one of the pillars. A giggle escaped from me as I heard his footsteps approaching.

"Kaha hai aap, jaan?" his voice echoed through the palace, and I didn't reply wanting to test his patience. And suddenly it was all silent again, I peeked from behind the pillars but no one was there. I pouted my face in disappointment. He didn't even try to find me, I thought.

["Where are you, jaan?"]

I started walking towards the way I came from, when a strong hand pulled me in one of the dark rooms. His warm breath was just above my collarbone near my ear. I know him by his touch, because it always burned wherever he touched.

"Chodiy, mujhe nhi karni aapse baat" I looked straight ahead. I knew even if I tried I wouldn't see his face not because of the dark but because he never revealed himself to me. The memories won't let me see him.

["Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you."]

"Lagta hai naraz ho gayi aap humse" he placed a kiss in the hollow of my neck, his touch burning my skin imprinting its mark there.

["It seems you're upset with me."]

"Hatiy, aap hmesha aese hi krte h. Lekin is baar hum nhi manenge" I wiggled my body so that he'd let me go but instead his grip on me tightened.

["Move away. You always do this, but this time I won't forgive you."]

"Maaf kijiyga rani sa, galti hogyi. Or agar hum aapke pass aate toh aap bhag jati"  he placed another kiss just below my ear.

["Forgive me, rani sa, I made a mistake. And if I had come to you, you would have run away."]

"Or aapko aesa kyu laga?" I questioned him back with all the courage I could muster, because with every kiss I was getting weak and he was holding me up by my waist with one hand.

["And what made you think that?"]

"Iss liy" before I could understand his words, his other hand came up near my cheek covering me in red colour.

["Because of this."]

"Rana sa!" My voice just above a whisper, I tried wiggling out of his hand but he pulled my back to his chest harder with both hands.

"Ji, jaan. Aapki narazgi se dar lgta h" he trailed kisses along my neck, as the pleasure coursed through me my body stopped moving.

["Ji, jaan. I'm afraid of your anger."]

"Ruthna aapka kartvye or manana hmara." Another kiss behind my ear

["It is your right to be upset, and it is my duty to make it up to you."]

"Nirlaj hogye h aap, chodiy hume" I grabbed his hands with mine trying to remove him from me.

["You've become shameless. Let me go."]

"Sab aapki galti hai, Rani sa" another kiss on my shoulder

["It's all your fault, Rani sa"]

"Aapne hume aesa bna diya h, or dosh bhi humee deti h" another kiss on my jaw

["You made me this way, and yet you still blame me."]

"Sab aapki galati h" his voice faded away, his hands turned into sand slipping away from my skin.

["It's all your fault"]

The beautiful moment shattered when a deep male voice followed after in the darkness "Aapki galti h rani sa"

["It's your fault Rani sa"]

Not until after I was thrown back into the battleground, my hands covered with blood. Blood, too much blood. Dead swords of the dead soldiers, dead bodies surrounding the land.

Him. With his beautiful existence that lits up my soul, only it's burning me alive now. I can't see his face, how cruel can memories be? How can they not let me see him once?

I will beg to get a glimpse of him, but memories don't listen to me. They torture me, they give me a grieving life but they don't care for me.

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